Continual Adding To The Heap Could Cause Collapse

Remember the days before Hefty Flex bags where you would try to cram and heap as much junk into a single garbage bag to the point of near-breaking and then you would drag that bad boy outside to the trash can/dumpster? Do you remember how many of those times you were successful and how many times were failures? I’m willing to bet that there were more failures than successes, knowing the technology of the olden days (5 whole years ago). But now we have the wondrous technology of Force Flex and that guarantees that you can cram as much junk into it as you want, pointy, sharp, heavy, it doesn’t matter, it’s going to hold!

As of right now, I am feeling like the technology of the olden days. I feel like I am on the verge of collapse at any moment, both physically and emotionally. I still consider myself FAR from depressed, but I just feel completely overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. There still isn’t agreement amongst all of my doctors about what’s wrong with me, none of them can tell me what caused all of this nonsense, and everything they’re giving me and having me do hasn’t necessarily helped. The medication, for the most part, just knocks me out, which is nice, because then I don’t really care what’s wrong with me because I’m in La-La Land; but at the same time, I want to be better. I should be getting a call soon about scheduling a test called an ENG (electronystagmogram), which should show conclusively if this is an inner ear issue or something in the brain, but what happens after that, I have no idea. Then you add on the symptoms themselves, which is a whole other thing crammed into that garbage bag.

With all of this vertigo/dizziness/unbalance, I am quite nauseous and spend a lot of time speaking with Porcelain John. On the one hand, since I now have a permanent bridge in my mouth, I don’t have to remember to take out my false teeth before John and I have a chat, but it’s still no fun. It’s starting to have a lot of wear and tear on my esophagus, so I occasionally lose my voice or I sound like a dude; and, as a girl, that’s always fun. I continue to lose weight, which I needed to do anyway, but this was, by no means, the way I planned on doing that. A few more pounds and I’ll be able to do the indoor skydiving that I wanted to do for my 30th birthday…except now I would probably just upchuck and not really enjoy myself, so I guess the positive from this is that I’m going down in pant sizes! Yay!

And, as if all of the illness in and of itself isn’t bad enough, there have been problems in regards to my disability insurance. I won’t go into great detail because I can’t…I don’t understand it! I think we finally got it all figured out today, but there were many tears shed before we finally got it straightened out. I told the man from State Disability that, normally, I am an intelligent person (or, at least I’d like to think that I am), but these prolonged migraines and vertigo issues have affected my ability to really comprehend everything and process it so that I can give the proper response. He was a nice enough guy and talked me through it, so I hope that it gets taken care of without having to involve me any further.

Maybe there are parts of me, the metaphoric Hefty bag, that have Force Flex elements to it, but yesterday and today were DEFINITELY days where I just felt like I was going to completely cave in. There is only so much a person can take physically, emotionally, and mentally. I know that having God on my side has definitely helped, I would have probably been sent to the loony bin by now otherwise.