Tears Behind Closed Doors

When people see me out and about they usually comment on how good I look and how good I sound…I’d imagine the looks have a lot to do with the 66+ pounds that I’ve lost (I’ve lost an elementary school child!)…But I suppose it also has something to do with the fact that I don’t dress in a bathrobe and slippers, looking all dumpy and forlorn due to my present circumstances. There’s a reason behind my dressing and acting more upbeat than I actually feel: I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer for those around me. Who wants to be around a Gloomy Gus all of the time? I certainly don’t want to and I’m the one that feels like a semi-truck has taken residence on top of my body!!

By-and-large I have taken the approach that there are people out there in the world whose situations are FAR worse than mine. That, and knowing that God has a plan and purpose behind all of this, has helped me get through the nearly 8 months of this illness. I know that I could be confined to a wheelchair, dependent upon tubes of all sorts to keep me alive; bed-ridden and on life support; or a whole host of other scenarios that are FAR worse than what I’m going through. So, Porcelain John and I have grown to have a close relationship; granted, he’s not the Prince Charming I’ve been dreaming of all of my life, but things could be worse!

However, there’s a flip-side to all of this tough exterior and humor that I put out. There are tears that I have cried that I have not let others see or hear. I can’t tell you exactly why I haven’t allowed people to see these tears…I think part of it is that I feel misunderstood. I might LOOK fine. I might SOUND fine…but I’m not. This illness has taken SO much away from me….ripped friends away from me because I’m unable to participate in their lives because I lack the energy and become a burden to take anywhere because I have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. I can’t drive anywhere so people have to come to me. I am NOT trying to make ANYONE feel bad…this is just how this illness is making ME feel bad!

I love everyone and I appreciate your prayers more than words can express! I just needed you all to know that, even though I might LOOK fine and SOUND fine, I’m putting on a show for your benefit so that I’m not a Debbie Downer because there are enough of those kinds of people who come by it naturally in this world.