Having a long term illness is difficult, but I'm trying my best to have a new perspective on the whole deal. God is having me go through this for a reason, to refine me for a purpose that, at this point, only He knows the reasons behind and the outcome; but I'm sure at the end of this, I will know every minute detail behind this trial. Job 23:10 says: He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My hope is that I come out at the end of this extremely sparkley gold (though I prefer silver, but since gold is biblical, I'll take it!...It's a joke, laugh please!)
I wanted to update y'all that don't know the latest news, but I have to have my gallbladder removed because I have gallstones. I had my consultation today and found out that the pain that I've been having in my stomach isn't related to my gallbladder, so we're going to see how the surgery goes and, if it doesn't clear up after the surgery, then I'll have to go see my gastroenterologist again and see what's going on. I am currently scheduled to have my surgery on November 10th, so if everyone can keep me in prayer on that day, that would be awesome!
I really do appreciate everyone that prays for me. Every little prayer, whether big or small, does help, so keep them coming!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Pass The Maylox Please
Here it is midnight, the night before I'm supposed to be seeing the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist) and I cannot sleep because my stomach is killing me. Not a good thing. I'm sure that you've noticed how that it is a reoccurring theme with me: my stupid, idiotic, non-functioning stomach. I called my Gastroenterologist this week to let him know that, despite having the endoscopy with botox two weeks ago, I am still experiencing the same symptoms (persistent vomiting, sometimes hours after consuming a food item and having it come up whole). Instead of having me come in, he's having me take a cocktail of drugs which includes 2 anti-emetics and one medication that helps food move through my system. I've been on all of these meds in different combinations in the past and, obviously, they haven't worked otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today. However, being the dutiful patient, I am taking the little cocktail as directed just so that I can say that I gave it the ol' college try before I give him a ring again and ask him what we're going to do next. Seriously, people, I ate a few tablespoons of rice and I can feel it sitting in my stomach going nowhere! That's not normal!
As much as I like my GI doctor (because I really do, he's a good doctor), sometimes I really don't think doctors in general realize how much pain and anguish they put their patients through by putting us on these different cocktails to try in different variations. I almost feel like a lab rat or something. I admit, I'm not expelling the contents of my stomach as much as I was before he put me on this cocktail, but I still am having intimate conversations with Porcelain John. I don't know....I guess my point is that I'm frustrated...I'm sick of being sick...I hurt in more ways than I can describe and I don't think that there are many people that can understand that. I'm not seeking sympathy...I'm not trying to have a pity party...I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad...I guess I'm just in a really bad place right now because everything is so up in the air with my health and it really stinks. At least when you have a concrete diagnosis with a concrete plan, you know what's ahead, but I'm just one conundrum after another which has the doctors scratching their heads and me sitting in complete darkness.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, whether it be a cure, a successful treatment, the return of Jesus, or me going to Heaven; at this point, I'll take any of those scenarios. All I know is that I want the pain to stop.
As much as I like my GI doctor (because I really do, he's a good doctor), sometimes I really don't think doctors in general realize how much pain and anguish they put their patients through by putting us on these different cocktails to try in different variations. I almost feel like a lab rat or something. I admit, I'm not expelling the contents of my stomach as much as I was before he put me on this cocktail, but I still am having intimate conversations with Porcelain John. I don't know....I guess my point is that I'm frustrated...I'm sick of being sick...I hurt in more ways than I can describe and I don't think that there are many people that can understand that. I'm not seeking sympathy...I'm not trying to have a pity party...I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad...I guess I'm just in a really bad place right now because everything is so up in the air with my health and it really stinks. At least when you have a concrete diagnosis with a concrete plan, you know what's ahead, but I'm just one conundrum after another which has the doctors scratching their heads and me sitting in complete darkness.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, whether it be a cure, a successful treatment, the return of Jesus, or me going to Heaven; at this point, I'll take any of those scenarios. All I know is that I want the pain to stop.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Tears Behind Closed Doors
When people see me out and about they usually comment on how good I look and how good I sound…I’d imagine the looks have a lot to do with the 66+ pounds that I’ve lost (I’ve lost an elementary school child!)…But I suppose it also has something to do with the fact that I don’t dress in a bathrobe and slippers, looking all dumpy and forlorn due to my present circumstances. There’s a reason behind my dressing and acting more upbeat than I actually feel: I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer for those around me. Who wants to be around a Gloomy Gus all of the time? I certainly don’t want to and I’m the one that feels like a semi-truck has taken residence on top of my body!!
By-and-large I have taken the approach that there are people out there in the world whose situations are FAR worse than mine. That, and knowing that God has a plan and purpose behind all of this, has helped me get through the nearly 8 months of this illness. I know that I could be confined to a wheelchair, dependent upon tubes of all sorts to keep me alive; bed-ridden and on life support; or a whole host of other scenarios that are FAR worse than what I’m going through. So, Porcelain John and I have grown to have a close relationship; granted, he’s not the Prince Charming I’ve been dreaming of all of my life, but things could be worse!
However, there’s a flip-side to all of this tough exterior and humor that I put out. There are tears that I have cried that I have not let others see or hear. I can’t tell you exactly why I haven’t allowed people to see these tears…I think part of it is that I feel misunderstood. I might LOOK fine. I might SOUND fine…but I’m not. This illness has taken SO much away from me….ripped friends away from me because I’m unable to participate in their lives because I lack the energy and become a burden to take anywhere because I have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. I can’t drive anywhere so people have to come to me. I am NOT trying to make ANYONE feel bad…this is just how this illness is making ME feel bad!
I love everyone and I appreciate your prayers more than words can express! I just needed you all to know that, even though I might LOOK fine and SOUND fine, I’m putting on a show for your benefit so that I’m not a Debbie Downer because there are enough of those kinds of people who come by it naturally in this world.
By-and-large I have taken the approach that there are people out there in the world whose situations are FAR worse than mine. That, and knowing that God has a plan and purpose behind all of this, has helped me get through the nearly 8 months of this illness. I know that I could be confined to a wheelchair, dependent upon tubes of all sorts to keep me alive; bed-ridden and on life support; or a whole host of other scenarios that are FAR worse than what I’m going through. So, Porcelain John and I have grown to have a close relationship; granted, he’s not the Prince Charming I’ve been dreaming of all of my life, but things could be worse!
However, there’s a flip-side to all of this tough exterior and humor that I put out. There are tears that I have cried that I have not let others see or hear. I can’t tell you exactly why I haven’t allowed people to see these tears…I think part of it is that I feel misunderstood. I might LOOK fine. I might SOUND fine…but I’m not. This illness has taken SO much away from me….ripped friends away from me because I’m unable to participate in their lives because I lack the energy and become a burden to take anywhere because I have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. I can’t drive anywhere so people have to come to me. I am NOT trying to make ANYONE feel bad…this is just how this illness is making ME feel bad!
I love everyone and I appreciate your prayers more than words can express! I just needed you all to know that, even though I might LOOK fine and SOUND fine, I’m putting on a show for your benefit so that I’m not a Debbie Downer because there are enough of those kinds of people who come by it naturally in this world.
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