Two Steps Forward…One GIGANTIC Leap Back

We’ve all been sick at some point in our lives, whether it be something simple like a cold or something FAR more nefarious like cancer; but one thing that is common amongst all illnesses is that every time you feel like you’ve taken a step forward toward recovery, you end up, at some point, taking one GIGANTIC leap backwards. Today was one of those days for me.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling all that well, but it was manageable until it was time to go to bed, which seems to be my nemesis right now, because that is when the body aches REALLY seem to attack. Today, though, all day, was just not good. No matter how slowly or how quickly I stood up it felt as though all of the blood in my body was rushing away from my brain and I was going to pass out. A couple of times I came close to passing out, but managed to keep my composure about me and work through it, but it made it very hard for me to function today. I was so completely off-kilter, I was stumbling around like a drunken person on rollerskates. There were a couple of occasions where I almost did fall, but thankfully I had my cane and was able to remain standing on my feet, albeit very woozily.

And, as if things aren’t hard enough to adjusting to life outside of the hospital where you feel safe in case something goes wrong, my body has to try and remember what it’s like eating solid food. For so long I have lived on water, protein shakes, and Saltine crackers; but now I am eating things like cottage cheese, pears, and graham crackers (and sometimes an egg); which, to the average person does not seem like much, but my body is so messed up that it doesn’t know how to react, leaving me with the most AGONIZING stomach pains. Today it was so bad that it had me in tears, the pain was so bad.

I really am trying my hardest to not complain about what I’m going through, whatever it actually might be, because I know that there are people out there with FAR worse health issues to deal with and FAR worse situations in general to put up with in comparison with me and my nonsense. But I suppose that every now and again you’re allowed to have a selfish moment where you are allowed to do a little healthy whining.

Today I seriously thought I was going to toss my cookies for the first time since Thursday morning, but somehow I managed to hold it in; but that may be what is aiding and abetting my stomach pains, so maybe I just need to give in if I’m feeling that way tomorrow. I’m trying to take it one step at a time, one meal at a time, one nap at a time, just to get through the day without having a complete meltdown. I keep telling people that this is what a recovering anorexic must feel like when they look at food because every time I eat, I start to cry. I’m not worried about getting fat, I’m already there (HELLO!), and I’m just scared about it coming back up and me having trouble getting it all of the way out. I never realized that eating food would be such a daunting task, even though I am taking it slowly. As people have jokingly told me “this is an awfully extreme way of trying to lose a few pounds”.

I just continue to pray that I will get better sooner rather than later, but I know that everything is in God’s hands and according to His time, so I am trying to step back and just let that happen. Hopefully, in the mean time, I am learning whatever it is that He wants me to be taking in and thinking about how I am going to apply it and use it for His glory. As a human, with human flaws, it’s a daunting task, but I am trying to take it in stride and learn and grow from this.