Depression, Frustration, and Fear (Which one of these three do you think CURRENTLY describes me?)

I have been asked frequently or its been insinuated into a conversation, that this illness, because of it’s length and the mystery of it all must really have me depressed. I’m sure that the average person would more than likely say “yes” to that kind of question/insinuation, but I have, with great certainty, replied “no” every time it has come up. There are a couple of reasons for this. The first, and most important reason is: I know that God is TOTALLY in control of this situation. I know that He has a plan and a purpose for me, a reason behind my having this illness, whatever it might be exactly. I have told people that in the course of trying to cure me, the doctors might come up with a cocktail of medications that won’t work for me, but might help someone else going through this same situation and that, for me, is just as important as getting me well again. Secondly, there really isn’t anything I can do about what’s going on with me. It’s not as if I can snap my fingers and magically be back to the Christine that everyone is used to seeing. There’s no sense in being depressed over something that is going to take time to fix.

Now, if you were to ask me if I am frustrated, I would tell you “yes”, but I am not in a constant state of frustration. It kind of goes back to the depression part, there’s no sense to it when you know that it’s not something that’s going to magically clear up overnight. The times when I am frustrated are usually when I happen to be alone and in so much pain that I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like when you happen upon a spider or other insect that you hate and you are alone and you just don’t know what to do, so you find yourself running around in circles screaming because you just don’t know what to do. Well, I don’t literally run around in circles screaming (I’d pass out if I did), but I have found myself standing in the kitchen or lying on the couch just crying because I’m in pain and I just don’t know what to do to make it go away. That happened a week ago when my parents were out of town…I was in such pain and I went looking for medication in the medicine cabinet and I couldn’t find what I was looking for and all I succeeded in doing was making mess. All I managed to do was stand in the middle of the kitchen and cry my eyes out. It was a kind of pain that only GINORMOUS tears would match what I was feeling. That is an example of when I become frustrated.

I have also been asked if I’m scared. What if this does end up being something serious, like a brain tumor that just isn’t showing itself yet, or it’s too small right now, but gets bigger. Am I scared of that happening? Am I scared of the treatment? Am I scared of dying? My answer to that is “no”. Do I realize that something like that is serious? Yes, of course I do. Do I realize that treatment for brain tumors is difficult? Yes, of course I do. Do I realize that all treatment could fail and I could end up dying? Yes, of course I do, but I have God on my side and He will be, and has been with me, every step of the way, so why should I be afraid? I cannot change an illness like cancer when it has already been set in motion, I just have to ride it out and see exactly what it is that God has in store for me. Again, they may try a cocktail on me that doesn’t work, but it might end up working for someone else, and that is just as important, saving the life of another person, as it is saving my own life. I know that I have the assurance of Heaven, so I have no worries about where I am going!

So far all tests, MRIs, CT Scans and blood work, have come back normal, showing no signs of tumors or lesions (which would indicate Multiple Sclerosis), so the likelihood of this being anything more than Atypical Migraines is slim. They tested me for H. Pylori (I had the name wrong in a previous post) and that came back negative, which is good. The results of the x-rays of my neck came back showing only minor signs of arthritis, but nothing that would be causing me to be this ill. My next step is Ophthalmology and then back to the Neurologist. I am continuing physical therapy, but my therapist has had to slow down the exercises for me, the intensity of them and how many that I do, because I am still considered a very ill person. I am being forced to sip on Ensure (which is THE nastiest tasting stuff) so that I get something of nutritional value in me, but I still live, by and large, off of Saltine crackers and iced tea. I have lost nearly 20 pounds since this has all started, which is nice since I need to lose weight anyway, but it’s bad because it hasn’t been in the healthiest way.

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read my blog. I hope that you have found it informative and, at times, humorous. I just really wanted people to understand what it is that I am feeling even though I may not look all that sick. I really appreciate all of the people, my parents, my cousin Candy, my Aunt Sherry, and my friend Maria who have all gone out of their way to be as much help to me as they possibly can be. I love reading the comments that people leave, whether I know you or not, so please keep leaving them. All prayer is appreciated, but please remember to pray for my one-on-one at work, that he understands that I am alive but very ill. I hear from his mother from time to time and she says that he worries about and misses me, so please keep him in prayer that he knows that I think of him often and miss him terribly.

It would be wonderful if people felt like driving out to the country to visit me. Car rides are a little bit on the torturous side for me, but I am not contagious in any way, so if you would like to come and visit me, give me a call and come on over. I can’t say that I’m the greatest company in the world right now, but it would be great to see the faces of the friends that I love so dearly!

Dizzy Comes and Dizzy Goes

When I get up in the morning I feel as if I have set sail on a cruise...a 3 hour cruise, if you get my drift. It's not a nice boat, so you feel every sway of the ship, and, though those 7 passengers were lucky enough to find that island, I have not been able to find that blasted place! The simplest things, scooping something out of a bowl, looking down to make sure that my socks are matching, bending over the sink to brush my teeth, all of them increase the dizziness. If I've decided to give going out a try (going to the grocery store with my mother, etc), by the time I've got myself dressed and ready to go, I'm ready to go to bed! I cannot walk without assistance because, after some testing by the physical therapist, I fall into the category of someone who is at risk of falling due to whatever it is that is going on with me.

After the physical therapist put me through some rather torturous tests, she decided that she thinks that it is possibly one of two things that are causing my symptoms. The first hypothesis is that I HAD an inner ear infection back in February when this all started and just didn't know it, thus causing cells in my inner ear to either have been killed off or damaged causing the vertigo and balance issues. The second hypothesis is that I suffer from atypical migraines which, like the inner ear infection, have either killed off or damaged cells in my inner ear thus causing my vertigo. She's leaning more toward the atypical migraines because I suffer from occasional headaches ("migraines"), but, unlike the typical migraine sufferer, I cannot take medicine and sleep off the headache. Plus, a twitch of the eye or hand usually accompanies my headaches.

My therapist has given me one exercise to start out with and I will start seeing her once a week to do exercises with her to try and fatigue the vertigo and make it go away. At this point, I have been doing the exercise the best that I can, but today has not been a good day. What little I ate came back up in my best impersonation of Linda Blair. On the upside, I've lost about 10 pounds, so I'm trying very hard to look at the up side of things. At least I know that this isn't all in my head (i.e. it's not really happening), but that it truly is something that happens to people and, over time, can be cured or managed.